Politics is Like a Dog Show
Conversation about politics is risky business, but worse than that, it’s incredibly boring. Those talking heads on the Sunday morning TV shows are as exciting as it gets. Fortunately, I have found a way to make politics both more understandable and more interesting: just think of it as a dog show.
First, consider how the competition of a dog show is structured. The winner of “Best in Show†has first won its “breed,†then defeated all of the dogs in its “group†and then defeated all of the other group winners to become the top dog. Political parties are the same way. Each person is a breed (Jimmy Carter—Labrador Retriever)) which belongs to a group (Democratic Party–Sporting Group) which then competes in the final competition (Presidential Election—Best in Show).
Republicans are the Working and Herding Groups. These dogs are serious about their jobs, and they are very smart. If you need something guarded, herded or guided, get a working breed. President Bush obviously belongs on this team—he’s a true German Shepherd. If you’ve been around a German Shepherd lately, you know they look great, with squinty eagle-eyes and alert ears, but some of them were hiding under the bed during the Fourth of July fireworks. Shepherds are sensitive that way, which might get in the way of their job
In contrast, Dick Cheney is a Rottweiler. Rotties aren’t afraid of anything, ever. Many people are afraid of Rottweilers, however. Clearly, Cheney is not a member of the Sporting Group, which explains how he came to shoot his friend in the face with a shotgun. Has anyone ever seen a Rottweiler bird hunting?
The Democrats are the Sporting Group, the hunters and gatherers of the dog world. Retrievers, spaniels and setters will search for your game and then graciously retrieve it for you. Sporting dogs are tireless workers; however, they are usually more the follower type. John Kerry is an Irish Setter; lean, athletic—and look at that beautiful hair. Sporting dogs are lovers, not fighters, which explains why Bill Clinton is a Golden Retriever.
Libertarians are the Non-Sporting Group, defining themselves more by what they aren’t than what they are. This group includes a variety of distinctive and beautiful breeds like the Bichon Frise, Tibetan Terrier and Bulldog. What do these dogs have in common? As much as Ralph Nadar, Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot.
The Miscellaneous Group is the Green Party. This is a special class of dog show wannabes. Many breeds, like Border Collies and Shiba Inus have served their time in this group before gaining status as legitimate. Right now, the Redbone Coonhound and the Swedish Vallhund are languishing in this class, hoping to become contenders someday. However, dogs (and candidates) in this group must stay on the porch for now.
Just like a dog show, where theoretically any breed has a chance to win the big enchilada, any citizen may succeed in politics, even when operating outside of their own party, or group. This explains the success of Condoleezza Rice, who is clearly a Standard Poodle; smart elegant and coifed. Hillary Clinton is a Border Collie; considered by many to be the cleverest of them all. Along with their formidable intelligence, Border Collies are known for their powerful “eye†with which they can control large groups of sheep. And no, we are not making any . . . rhymes-with-rich jokes about our female candidates.
Although an ardent Democrat, former Vice President Al Gore is really a splendid Beagle. Beagles, which belong to the Hound group, are popular dogs, bred to chase a rabbit (which runs in a circle) but not catch it. Think about that.
There are always a few who are above the fray. Barack Obama is a Curly-Coated Retriever; distinctive, talented and possessing a blue-blooded pedigree. Never heard of one? That’s because Curlies don’t show off—they’re much too secure.
In a dog show, the more visible breeds win more often. However, sometimes there are outliers, who are capable of upsetting the applecart. Who can forget Howard Dean—obviously a Terrier; fearless, feisty and always shooting off at the mouth? Likewise, the Bullmastiff (John McCain) doesn’t want to fight, but as the most powerful member of the dog world, if he does get in a scrap he’ll win. In the end, the judge controls the moment of truth at the dog show. Until that finger points to the winner, anything can happen. The same can be said for the American public, which, by the way, has been known to choose a few dogs.
